01 Apr Natural giving

Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of Nonviolent Communication, a disarming and effective form of dialogue based on four simple steps. The first step involves observing what is perceived in a conflict between two individuals, making a crucial distinction between observation and the mind’s subsequent judgments—what should be, comparisons with others, and moral evaluations. An effective metaphor to facilitate pure observation without mental interference is to observe a conflict as a camera would. A camera registers events and describes facts as they occur without attaching interpretations or conclusions. Observation, therefore, strictly entails describing what is actually happening, without evaluation. The Indian philosopher and teacher Krishnamurti aptly noted that observing without judgment is the highest form of human intelligence.

The second step in the process is identifying the associated feelings, emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations that arise from the observation. In Nonviolent Communication, these are referred to as ‘jackals.’ Rather than perceiving them negatively, they are regarded as tragic expressions of unmet needs. Viewing judgments and expectations in this manner immediately softens one’s approach to them. The key distinction lies in how the heart responds. When one engages in self-judgment or criticism of others, they may feel their heart contract or close off. However, recognising these ‘jackals’ as signals pointing to unmet needs allows the heart to relax and expand.

Identifying the underlying needs indicated by the ‘jackals’ is a subtle and intuitive process. Initially, it involves a form of guessing, using feedback from the heart and body to discern when the correct need has been identified. By tuning into one’s own body and that of the other person, a specific sensation in the heart emerges, indicating that the right need has been recognised. This is particularly noticeable through the relaxation of the body and breath.

The final step in the process is formulating a concrete and clear request based on the identified need, enabling oneself or the other person to fulfil it. In Nonviolent Communication, this way of communicating is referred to as ‘giraffe language,’ in contrast to ‘jackal language,’ which originates from the mind. The giraffe was chosen as a symbol because it is the land animal with the largest heart.

A practical example: In a conversation between two individuals, one accuses the other of being selfish. This is a clear example of ‘jackal language,’ which is judgmental and accusatory. In ‘giraffe language,’ the same situation would be expressed as follows: “I had a challenging day at work, I feel lonely, and I have a need to share and connect. Would you be willing to sit with me for half an hour to exchange how I am feeling and hear about your experiences?” The difference between these two approaches is clearly reflected in how the heart responds.

Communicating with one another based on feelings, needs, and clear requests encourages what Rosenberg calls ‘natural giving.’ This concept describes our innate desire to provide what is needed to fulfil another person’s needs. It is an incredibly encouraging realisation about our humanity. Beyond our struggles with communication and our tendencies to act from fear, judgment, and ignorance, an immense capacity for goodness and generosity awaits—ready to provide what is truly needed. The only requirement is an authentic, honest, and clear invitation. When this is present, the heart is warm, embracing, and full of compassion, capable of dissolving tension in any conflict. Rosenberg claims that the most significant conflicts can be resolved within 20 minutes once the conflicting parties have clearly communicated their feelings, underlying needs, and corresponding requests. “After that,” he says, “a healing energy from the heart naturally restores harmony and balance.”

Similar to the practice of clearing, Rosenberg consciously harnesses the healing capacities of the compassionate heart. It is an energetic process that, by fostering a conscious connection with what is alive within oneself and others, invites compassion. Once again, this highlights that our ability to resolve conflicts with ourselves and others stems from the heart. The mind believes it knows, but the heart truly knows…